I woke up this morning so stressed out and frustrated. I notice my body softening and getting harder to keep up with, my hair greying which requires frequent and expensive trips to the salon to keep up with societal standards, checking my stomach and thighs in the mirror, wrinkles around my eyes and was overwhelmed - overwhlemed by knowing my worth as a woman at work - my freedom - can be controlled by these underlying stereotypes - that I will be invisitble without this. I started to think about how life will change as I age because of the way society will start treating me differently and I realized this is coming. I am also starting to date again and I realized even now how much more time and effort AND money I have to spend to feel (and actually some eyes to BE) worthy in this image obsessed world where women are measured by their ability to fit in to this impossible standard. As I thought about the list of things I needed to do to fit in there and I thought about the perfect aesthetic of my apartment I needed and all the right clothes and ALL this bullshit to project an image - I thought HOW fucking EXHAUSTING. Colorado could be a place where the standards feel so high. people and things dont feel real. dating feels superficial. people feel in the clouds(not in the positive way), not down on earth. people can feel like accomplishment lists and if you dont have multiple adventure sports you regularly participate in, a high paying tech job, a large retirment fund, a cute apartment in a cute area of town near the mountains ---- ALL while keeping this all up as a single person with no family near, where the cost of living requires at least 100k to hopefully keep up, then forget it. All this while knowing the insane amount of privaledge I have as a white woman with misc advantages. Nobody is winning that race. Im not out here for that part of CO.
everyone on instagram i see is seriously trying to reach perfection. Perfect abs (when women just hold fat), these INSANE life consuming skin care routines. I saw one yesterday that was like 2 hours long, required like 30 products including a fucking red light face mask). like when do I do this? how do I pay for this. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY - what do I give up to focus my time here? All these women with filters and routines that emphasize this perfection. This is all on top of also just tryng to support myself in a tech world where layoffs are frequent and burnout is high. Keeping up there feels sometimes like an impossible task. 'Make sure you are building projects in your down time, network, keep up your online presence, make yourself stand out and invaluable, present at conferences, learn that new language'.
When do I have time for MY priorities?
Im not doing it. Im not going to try and keep up with this EMPTY standard. For what? I will find my tribe and community, my support, in people who choose to live in truth, in compassion, in embracing the strength of rejecting these beatufy standards, of embracing their truths, of slow living, in helpig others and giving back, who choose to get off this rat race wheel.
I choose to value, build, emphasize and priority WHO I AM, NOT WHAT I LOOK LIKE AND HOW I PRESENT TO OTHERS.
I choose to find a partner who sees my heart, my soul and my energy, NOT THE shape of my ass, thighs, and cheek bones.
THATS NOT WHAT "I" noticing in others!
I see and still think back to the person I saw a year ago in oregon on the campground who was passing our RV and smiled so happily and full of energy - I just saw here excitment for life.
The person who is warm and welcoming to all.
That person making a difference in the world.
that silly goofy fun loving person out there on the trail.
That person embracing the art of slow living, non consumerism, women living deliciously.
The rebels.
Florence Given - women dont owe you pretty.
And in that spirit. Here I am this morning - the face I looked at that I saw aging ... that I am choosing to fucking love because my body, my face, this life is magic.
How much easier the road ahead feels to let go of that bullshit. I mean.. Thats freedom afterall.
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